We’re playing a game where you have to think of something starting with the first letter of your name. All the Jessicas and the Jennifers are struggling with J. How could they forget jaffa cakes??? Of course, very easily since they’ve never heard of them in the first place. They ask me, what are they? I figure they can do their own Google search, but meanwhile, I want jaffa cakes, and I want them now.
Google Search: prime now jaffa cake
No viable options for instant jaffa cakes…well that sucks…let’s kill some time on Twitter, then. It’s only 10:30pm, but I guess I’ll just go to bed early tonight. For once!!!
Read a trending Tweet about a prominent figure skater who just died by suicide after being accused of sexual assault. Decide to read up about it in long-form.
Google Search: Coughlin abuse
Can’t find any details other than people complaining about the lack of details. But yeah, I feel like this stuff was the norm in Russia…wonder if there’s exposés about that at least?
Google Search: sexual abuse of skater children in Russia
Man, Russia is so fucked up. Didn’t they just revoke a law in 2017 that made it ok to assault your wife at least once?
Google Search: domestic violence in Russia
Yes, yes they did.
Anyway. There must have been something else going on with that skater guy, though…I mean, yes it would suck to lose your career over an accusation, but surely he would have made enough money to retire by now anyway? Hmm, let’s fact-check that.
Google Search: how much do figure skaters earn?
Or…not. Damn. That is one expensive career.
Career…starting a new career…hmm, my current sign-off says I’m a Researcher, Speaker, Writer, & Boutique Owner. What a mouthful! And, what’s missing? I want to help people with their self-care, but I don’t have any training…is self-care consultant a thing? No? Maybe stress consultant? But that sounds kinda sketchy...
Google Search: is “stress consulting” pseudoscience?
After extensive searching, I’m not convinced that it isn’t.
Uh oh, a person on the internet is saying that the figure skater died by suicide AS A DIRECT RESULT OF the allegations. Person on the internet is wrong! No-one can claim that, because that’s not how suicide works. The majority of people who are accused of sexual assault don’t commit suicide. I think? Right?? It would probably require the presence of an underlying disorder…exacerbated by stress reaction…or at the very least severe depression... I need to argue with the person on the internet, so -
Google Search: what proportion of people who are accused of sexual assault commit suicice [sic]
Answer: very very small, yet much higher than the base rate. But the person on the internet doesn’t like my scholarly reference and calls me a “doctor” as an insult, ending with a zingggggy “we’re done here”.
It’s getting late. The dark side of the internet is alluring. I stumble upon a powerful quote by David Foster Wallace.
Oh yeah, I liked his writing when I read all of 10 pages from a book of his essays. But it was super weird. But he seemed like a cool dude. Maybe I wasn't reading the right thing?
Google Search: what is the most accessible David Foster Wallace book
I thought I was going to sleep early tonight. How did I get here? I wonder if it would be entertaining to trace my decline into the depths Night Internet. Let me post quickly about this on facebook, it could be funny. Oooh it would be even more comical along with the exact timestamp of each search. But why is the timestamp only displaying the date?? I want to know what time I searched each string...
Google Search: chrome search history timestamp
Wait: this should be a blog post rather than a facebook post.
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